Heartbreak on my hands
by xoRosiePosiexo
Summary: Based on Gasoline - Troye Sivan. Dan and Phil seem to have the perfect domestic life; a house in the suburbs, a dog, and soon a child. But one mistake will bring everything tumbling down.
1. Chapter 1

"Click on my face to subscribe and win a free space cookie while stocks last" Phil pulled a face and held it for a few seconds before dropping back into a smile. "I'll see you next week, bye guys!"  
As he leaned forwards to turn the camera off, he heard sarcastic applause coming from the kitchen.  
"See, you didn't need my help after all." Dan called over his shoulder as he poured the spaghetti into a colander.  
Phil pulled a hoodie on over his bat print tshirt and sloped downstairs. "Yeah, but I like having you behind the camera, I need to see your reactions. What if it wasn't funny?"  
"Don't worry so much, it was great. I was laughing in here on my own." Dan insisted, stretching to reach the wooden spoon on the counter. "Besides, I can't be in two places at once and you're the one who made the bet."  
Phil giggled. "You know, I didn't really expect you to actually go through with this whole 'candlelit dinner for two' thing. You should have won really, that last marshmallow almost went in before you spat them all out."  
"I don't mind, I want to do it." Dan smiled and gave Phil a peck on the cheek before turning around to plate up the spaghetti and sauce. "You can go through, it's almost ready."  
He couldn't stop the smile that broke out when he heard Phil gasp, and as he followed him into the dining room with the plates, he had to stop dead as Phil was standing in the middle of the room.  
"Dan, this is… Wow. Thank you." Phil's face was light by the candles all around the room, but his eyes had sparks of their own. Dan took another look round at his handiwork and knew that it was everything Phil had wanted. Ok, so maybe the rose petals scattered on the carpet around the table was a bit much, but the candles covering every available surface around the room were just right. And the smell they gave off reminded him of that first night in the new house, when the power cut left them without electricity for a few hours. It wasn't even that long without light, but Dan was afraid of the dark and Phil used his favourite candles to light up every room for him.

Seated at the table, they chinked their glasses of wine, and Phil's infectious grin left Dan breathless. It was so pleasant to take an evening off from planning, editing and filming videos. Sometimes their life of online fame could feel so overwhelming, but they had each other, and nights like this made the whole secret relationship thing worth it.

As Dan went to the kitchen to fetch the dessert, Phil heard Buffy barking excitedly at something.

"I'm guessing we're having chocolate mousse for dessert." Phil called out amusedly.

"Dammit Buffy, you're always ruining surprises!" Dan groaned, half serious, half playful. "I really don't get it, you're not even allowed to eat it. Why do you get so excited every time I make chocolate mousse?'

Buffy bounded into the room after him, jumping up at the bowls in Dan's hand and making him stumble as he walked.

"Phil, do something!" He exclaimed amidst Phil's laughter as Buffy threw her weight against his legs and almost sent him flying. Phil grabbed her for a cuddle and buried his face in her soft fur to calm her down. He spoke calmly to her, the same voice he used when Dan woke up from a nightmare. After a few moments she settled down, and when he returned to his seat, she lay her head on his lap.

They had adopted her as a puppy from a rescue centre a few years ago. Phil never said it out loud, but he knew that if he could get Dan to see how well they could look after a dog together, that there would be more hope for him accepting starting a family. While Dan often made jokes in his videos about how he can't even look after himself, let alone a child, Phil knew he'd be a great dad. They'd discussed it a few times in the last few years, and recently Phil had started to put a little more pressure on Dan. They were getting older all the time, and he didn't want to wait too much longer to start a family. He was sure about Dan, and that's all he needed to know. That's why he had convinced Dan that they needed to move out of the apartment and buy a small house on the outskirts of London.

Dan smiled warmly as he watched Phil absent-mindedly stroking Buffy's head while eating dessert. He was so happy these days, and Dan knew that tonight would be special. Tonight he was going to tell Phil that he was ready to start looking into adoption. He knew Phil was desperate to adopt a child, and he couldn't make him wait any longer. Dan was going to push his worries aside and focus on making Phil happy. And with a family of their own, surely Dan would be happy too. It wouldn't matter about his worries of raising a child wrong, if they could be a proper family together, two kids and a dog, just like in an American movie. Tonight. He would tell him tonight. That's why he'd gone to so much effort, it wasn't every weekly date night that he'd spend all afternoon in the kitchen cooking a meal from scratch. As their eyes met and the candlelight danced in Phil's eyes, Dan knew it was time.

The next Sunday, Dan found himself wrapped up in his thickest scarf, coat, and hat on his way to the park. Phil had hold of Buffy's lead, and they were all strolling along in the crisp morning air. Having moved to the suburbs of London, they were less likely to meet fans and be recognised, so they felt at liberty to enjoy each other's company. After passing the bald guy with a Chihuahua – who always seemed to be humming under his breath- they let Buffy off the leash and pulled out her favourite tennis ball. It was easy days like this, playing fetch in the park and stealing kisses when no one was looking, that Dan would long for later on. Before he did the awful, despicable thing, they were filled with such giddy happiness it felt like a helium balloon, rising up and up until his own pin brought it all down.


	2. Chapter 2

It was the night of the party they had been looking forward to for months, and Phil was ill. Not just a few sniffles, but full-blown cold sweats, high temperature, constant-sneezing flu. Dan had been looking after him all day, bringing soup in while wearing a surgical mask to make Phil laugh. Unfortunately, while laughter may be the best medicine, it didn't seem to be very fast working as afternoon slipped into evening. Dan stood at the end of the bed and began the argument for the zillionth time that the party didn't matter and he should stay to look after Phil. And once again, Phil managed to convince him that he would be fine tucked up in bed watching TV. It was important to the people sponsoring the party that at least one of them made an appearance, or it would reflect badly on their agency. Dan still felt bad as he got ready and came back into the room to find Buffy curled up on the bed beside Phil, and a box of tissues on the other side. He leaned over and gave him a tight squeeze, kissing his burning forehead gently.

'You know, I love you, even when you're all snotty and disgusting, even when kissing you is a sure-fire way to catch the lurgy.' Dan murmured in Phil's ear. 'If anyone was going to make me ill, I'd prefer it to be you.'

Phil giggled and playfully shoved him off. 'Come on, get moving, or you'll be late!'

'And that would be so unlike me.' Dan smirked, but he picked his jacket up and blew a kiss back before leaving the room. The taxi was already waiting, and Dan climbed in, feeling suddenly very lonely. Since they had been together, they didn't really do things alone. They were either 'Dan and Phil' the internet duo, or Dan and Phil, the couple. The latter only to their families and close friends, for many reasons but mostly involving having some semblance of a private life. In situations like parties, he liked having Phil's comforting presence around to remind him that it wasn't so bad and they could both fail at small talk together. At least tonight there should be some other youtubers there who he knew so that he wasn't standing alone all night in a corner, awkwardly clutching a drink.

A couple of hours later, Dan was alone at the bar, staring into the bottom of some fruity cocktail he didn't care to remember the name of. The other people he knew, all three of them, had only stayed long enough to show their face to everyone who mattered and have a couple of drinks before leaving. He wasn't even sure why he had stayed so long himself. But to be honest, what else was he going to do, go home and go to bed? Maybe it was the warm buzz spreading through his body from the cocktails, or the muscular blond eyeing him up from the dancefloor, which had kept him anchored in his seat. Dan stopped himself in that thought and reminded himself of poor Phil, tucked up in bed feeling like death with only a dog to keep him company. But Dan hadn't had attention like this from a stranger in a long time, and … it felt good.

'It's all in your head, he's not really interested, he's probably looking at someone else.' Dan told himself firmly, looking back down at his empty glass and debating whether to get another drink or leave. He knew the sensible option…

'Hey.' A voice spoke from his left, and Dan jumped a little in his seat. He turned to find himself looking into the hazel eyes which had been locked onto him a few minutes earlier.

'Uh… hi' Dan's voice didn't seem to want to cooperate after not speaking for a while. _Come on you idiot, stop acting like a schoolgirl with a crush._

'Can I get you a drink?' The guy asked, leaning against the counter with his whole body facing Dan, who was trying desperately to keep his eyes from wandering.

'Um… I… I don't...' Dan stuttered, a voice in the back of his head trying to drown out his resolution of going home with thoughts of this guy pressed close, moaning into his ear. _Jesus, get it together, you're not a horny teenager._

The man put his hands up in mock surrender and grinned.  
'Hey, no pressure, it's just a drink.' He clarified. 'I just thought you looked like you could use one. This party not your scene?'

'Oh, um, yeah sure. My name's Dan, by the way. And yeah, my, um, friend was supposed to come but he was ill so…' Dan turned to face the guy.

After a couple of cocktails with Ryan, Dan found himself offloading to his new friend about the monotony of his life with Phil. Even though they were still in love, Dan was getting a little bored with the same old routines. Every Sunday they took their dog for a walk in the park, had a date night once a week, spent Christmas with Phil's family and New Year's at Dan's. He just never expected to settle down so early. And now, they were trying to start a family but applying to adopt was hard. It seemed like there were just continuous loops to jump through, meetings to attend, and forms to sign. Dan was beginning to wonder how anyone ever got adopted after all this work. And in the back of his mind, he was starting to regret agreeing to it. He knew it was going to make Phil so happy, but he was already questioning whether all this hard work was worth it to have a child.

'Wow.' Ryan said, as Dan trailed off and bit his lip. 'Sounds like we need some shots over here.' He signalled the bartender.

'Oh, no, Phil says that shots make me a little crazy.' Dan half-heartedly objected, watching the little glasses fill up before his eyes.

Ryan leaned closer, a little off balance, and said in a conspiring tone, 'Isn't that what tonight is about? Getting a little crazy?'

Dan didn't recognise any of the music, he hadn't been out in so long. Before he met Phil he had loved going to clubs, but now most of their social life was playing board games with other couples. It was fun with Phil, but there wasn't the same energy, the same carelessness that made Dan feel so alive. Even now, with Ryan's strong body pressed against him in the middle of the crowd of writhing bodies, only half of Dan's mind was on Phil. And that half was very quickly disappearing as the alcohol worked its way into his system and Ryan's lips made contact with his own. After a few mere moments of making out, Dan pulled away, disgusted with himself and pushed his way out of the crowd. He found himself panting in an empty bathroom, splashing cold water on his face to snap himself out of it. This was bad, this was so bad, what if someone saw? What if someone he knew saw what he just did? He scrunched his eyes shut and muttered curse words under his breath.

The bathroom door slammed closed, and Dan jumped, looking up in surprise. Ryan was standing just feet away, his breathing heavy and his eyes lustful. Dan prayed that he wouldn't come any closer, not trusting himself to be able to resist. His heart was thumping in his chest. He needed to be touched, to be close to someone, to be desired.

Ryan closed the distance in just two short steps, and pushed Dan against the wall. He pinned Dan's hand above his head and leaned close to murmur in his ear.

"Don't fight it. You want me. I want you." Ryan's lips kissed a trail from his cheek down to his neck, and then went back to his ear. "I want you. Tonight. Be mine tonight."

"I can't… I shouldn't…" Dan stuttered, trying to bring an image of Phil into his mind to ward off temptation. "I want to… but my boyfriend… but I want it…" He moaned.

Ryan pressed his forehead against Dan's, his warm breath smelled of beer but Dan didn't even care.

"He'll never find out. Just one night, no last names, no numbers, no strings attached. One night." Ryan slid his hand down Dan's chest to rest just above his jeans. "Forget about him, tonight, and do what you want. Do you want me?"

"Yes." Dan breathed, biting his lip. "I want you."

"Then let's go." Ryan grabbed his hand and led him out of the bathroom, through the club packed with people, and out into the cool night.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan woke up with a thumping headache and a ray of sunlight shining straight into his eyes. That's funny, he thought, the window in our bedroom doesn't face the bed. He must have fallen asleep in the lounge when he got home. Which he didn't actually remember, come to think of it. He probably got bundled into a cab by one of the people from his agency, it wouldn't be the first time he'd been passed out in a taxi. He hoped he hadn't woken Phil up when he stumbled in at god knows what time in the morning. No, wait, maybe he was in his bed after all, there was movement next to him. Dan rolled over and wrapped his arm around Phil.

"Morning Phil". He mumbled, his voice thick and sleepy. He blinked his eyes open, and snatched his hand back.

Phil doesn't have blonde hair.

Dan sat up as silently as he could, trying not to wake up the stranger next to him. He slipped out of bed, locked himself in the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Shit shit shit. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair messed up, and in case he had any doubts about what happened last night, he was naked. He stared down at his body, disgusted with himself. How could he do that? How could he have done that to Phil; sweet, innocent Phil who was probably still tucked up in bed and wondering where he was. Dan ran a hand through his hair and quickly tried to formulate a plan. Should he tell Phil the truth? It's not like he had an affair, it hadn't meant anything and he didn't even remember it. He had been drunk, he'd taken shots, and it was his first time clubbing for years. They were pretty lame excuses but Dan was clutching to anything to justify his actions. Or maybe… maybe he shouldn't tell him. Maybe he should lie. They would never see each other again, Dan didn't know this stranger so Phil would never even meet him. Everyone that Dan knew had gone home before he started drinking, so no one would have witnessed anything. The more he thought about it, the more he convinced himself that lying was the only option. What was the point in screwing everything up over a stupid little mistake like this? He wasn't about to let the life they built together be destroyed by a drunken one night stand.

By the time Dan had composed himself enough to come out of the bathroom and hurriedly get dressed, he had planned what he was going to say to Phil. When he pulled his jeans back on, his phone fell out of his pocket with a loud thud. Dan cringed, and spun round to see if the sleeping guy had woken up, but he just rolled over and started snoring. Picking it up, Dan's heart dropped when he saw Phil's five missed calls and three texts. He pulled his shoes on without even bothering to tie the laces and sneaked out of the flat, finding himself on a busy street somewhere he assumed must be central London. He couldn't just wander around to find the nearest bus stop, it was too likely that he'd be recognised somewhere this populated. He used his phone to find his location and called a cab. Then he immediately called Phil and apologised for disappearing. His lie about being too drunk to come home and crashing at a friend's house rolled off the tongue too easily. Dan wondered whether he should be worried that lying was so natural to him; he knew that Phil could never pull this off. No, don't feel proud of yourself, it's a good thing that Phil couldn't do it, he reproached himself. In the time it took the taxi to arrive, Dan was starting to feel a little ill at the thought of seeing Phil and pretending everything was ok. Pretending that the scent of that guy wasn't still in his nostrils, and pretending that he didn't wish he could remember more clearly what it felt like to be in his arms.

Opening the front door, it felt like this morning was determined to be as mundane and normal as possible to make him feel as guilty as possible. Buffy scampered up to him as he closed the door and he bent down to cuddle her, earning himself a lick on the cheek as a mark of love.

"I'm home." Dan called out and he collected the newspaper from the doormat before climbing the stairs. Phil was still in bed, wrapped in an extra blanket with a mountain of tissues surrounding him. Dan gave him a quick peck on the forehead, handed him the paper, and then collected up the tissues to throw them in the bin. He was careful not to stay too close to Phil in case he could smell the other guy on him, but thankfully he could pass it off as not wanting to get ill.

"Had a good night last night then?" Phil asked, one eyebrow raised mischievously. "Too drunk to come home? I haven't seen you like that in ages. It's a shame I missed it, I bet you did something hilarious." He grinned, expecting a story about Dan clumsily falling over somebody or blurting out the wrong word in a conversation and making it awkward.

"Ha, yeah. It was good. Wish you'd been there." Dan turned away, making towards the bathroom. "I'm going to take a shower, I'm still feeling pretty rough."

He stood still in the shower, with the hot water pouring down his back. The fact that Phil had completely accepted the lie, without even a hint of suspicion, had made Dan feel worse than if he had been questioned. Phil trusted him so wholly, without hesitation, that it made Dan's betrayal all the more sickening. _Pull yourself together_ , he insisted, _stick to your story and he'll never know. Never let it happen again, and he'll never find out_.


	4. Chapter 4

Phil responded enthusiastically to the questions being asked, but couldn't help glancing over at his boyfriend every so often. Dan was barely contributing, and kept staring out of the window. This was the third meeting with the adoption agency in which Phil felt like he was the only one speaking. Adopting a child was supposed to be a team effort, they were in it together. They were going to be parents. But Phil had a suspicion, one that he kept locked up at the back of his mind to never contemplate fully, that Dan didn't want this as much as he did. He had been so passionate and willing at the start, from that first evening when he told Phil that they should start applying. Phil had truly believed that they were going to have a happy family, with a child and a dog growing up in a household of love. But as the application process dragged on, Phil saw Dan's enthusiasm wane. He always contested it whenever Phil brought it up, but he could feel that something was different with Dan. He told himself that it was just nerves, that Dan was worried about being a good father, and that he wasn't really having second thoughts. Besides, if he was, they would have talked about it. They told each other everything. Their relationship worked because it was built on total trust and honesty.

When they got home, Dan slouched off into the living room. Phil went upstairs to make a video, and was pleased to hear the familiar sounds of clattering in the kitchen which meant that Dan was baking something. These days, Dan often baked surprise treats for Phil, or picked up bouquets of flowers at the weekend, or took him out for nice meals. It felt like the start of the relationship again, back when they were trying to impress each other. Phil knew it was Dan's way of making up for his lack of support in some of the stages of the adoption application. These past few months hadn't been easy, as they both had to come to terms with the fact that adopting a child wouldn't be as simple as it was to adopt Buffy.

The next week, the adoption agency was sending someone round to inspect the house. Phil was frantically cleaning and tidying every last inch of the place. He freaked out at a dusty shelf on the top of a bookcase in the study, and broke down crying in the supermarket because they were out of the specific brand of furniture polish he wanted. But the most frustrating part was Dan. Dan had spent the time he was supposed to be helping sitting in his sofa crease and mindlessly scrolling through tumblr. Phil didn't want to be the nagging boyfriend, but he couldn't understand why Dan didn't seem to care more. It was vitally important that the house be deemed fit to raise a child, otherwise the whole thing was over.

The afternoon before the woman was due to come round, Phil switched off the hoover and stomped over to stand in front of Dan. He planted himself there with his hands on his hips and waited for Dan to look up. Dan glanced up, saw his boyfriend's serious expression with his pink rubber-gloved hands on his hips, and burst out laughing. He stopped quickly, however, when he saw Phil's bottom lip start to quiver. Dan put his hands around Phil's waist and pulled him down to sit on the sofa beside him. He stroked Phil's hair as he sobbed onto Dan's shoulder.

"Phil, honey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh." He murmured, trying to shake the funny image from his mind. "What's wrong? Tell me what's wrong."

Phil sniffled and pulled himself up to a sitting position, trying to compose himself before speaking.

"You don't care. Why don't you care? I'm trying so hard here, but you don't care." His voice rose in pitch and he stopped, swallowing the lump in his throat. He couldn't believe what he was about to say next, and it came out in a faint whisper. "You don't want to have a child with me."

"What? No, no, Phil, no! Of course I do, of course I want us to be a family. I promise, I do care." He did. At least, he thought he did. He wanted Phil to be happy. That was the same thing, right? "I love you, I want us to have a family of our own. I'm just tired of having to fight so hard for it, it's so unfair how straight couples can just have a baby and not go through all this."

"You… you're sure? You're sure you're not having second thoughts? Because you can tell me, you know. You can tell me anything." Phil silently pleaded with Dan not to be having second thoughts, and was relieved to see him shaking his head.

"I love you. I'm not having second thoughts, ok? I promise." Dan felt the urge to bite his tongue. He wished the lies didn't come so easily, or rather, he wished that they were true. What a happy, beautiful world it would be if his lies could just come true. But he was having second thoughts. It had been coming on for a while, but the longer the application process took, the more time he had to reflect on his mistake. And the deeper he got into this relationship, the more he stood to lose if Phil ever found anything out. He hated himself for it, but the one night stand had become two nights, and then three nights, and then once a month. That first time, they had promised each other that it would only be that one time, but Dan found his number in his contacts list a few days later. He must have added it while Dan was asleep, or maybe Dan did it and didn't remember. He had almost deleted it straight away. He should have. But curiosity got the better of him. And now the one small lie had turned into lots of little lies, and soon a child would be caught up in it all too. He couldn't make himself act as willing and passionate to have a child any more, knowing that if Phil found out after they adopted, he'd ruin not just a relationship but a family.


	5. Chapter 5

They had finally gotten around to the final stages of the application process. Having been to visit a few foster children, Phil was already fantasising about who they should choose, and how to decorate their bedroom, and which school to enrol them in. Dan felt like a ghost, passively agreeing to things that Phil said without really feeling anything. He knew that Phil had noticed, and it hurt him to see Phil try even harder to get him interested, to ask his opinions and try to salvage their happy family. But Dan didn't realise how much he was hurting Phil until the day he forgot his wallet at the supermarket. He had gone alone, offering to pick up the week's supplies as an indirect way of apologising for not attending one of the meetings that week. Absent-mindedly filling the trolley with far too much junk food and a few vegetables, it had taken him until the self-service checkout to realise that he had forgotten his wallet. He felt his face turn bright red with embarrassment as he had to explain the situation to an assistant and rush home to grab his money. He picked up the money for groceries from the jar on the table in the hall, when he heard quiet sobs coming from the lounge. His stomach dropped to his feet as he stepped silently around the corner and stood in the doorway. Phil was hunched over an old photograph from their first few years together, and his shoulders heaved with sobs. Dan's mind immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had somehow found out what Dan had done.

His audible gasp startled Phil, who snapped his head up to see Dan standing frozen in the doorway, his mouth slightly open.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Dan repeated, dropping the money onto the sofa and surging forwards to sit beside Phil. "I love you, I'm sorry"

Phil tried to hastily wipe away his tears on his sleeve, and hid the photo behind his back. He shook his head at Dan's apology.

"No, it's my fault. It's my fault you don't love me anymore. I'm not enough." Phil continued to shake his head, before blurting out, "I've seen it coming for a while now. I didn't want to believe it but it's true. It's my fault that you're not interested in me anymore. You're bored, you don't love me, and you're trapped. You don't know how to leave because I won't let go."

Dan stared in shock, too confused to say anything. Phil was blaming himself? But… no… it wasn't Phil's fault… how could it be his fault?

"You're unhappy in this relationship, you're sick of me, that's why you never get involved anymore." Tears rolled down his cheeks. These were the thoughts that Phil had locked away, knowing that they would only ruin everything if they came to the surface. "God I'm so stupid, I'm forcing you to play happy families and you're too lovely to stop me."

That was the last straw for Dan. There was no way he was going to let Phil take the blame for his shitty behaviour. Dan's heart broke thinking about Phil blaming himself all this time, hating himself, thinking that everything Dan did was because he wasn't enough. He'd rather Phil hate him for cheating than go another second thinking that it was all on him.

"Phil, don't you dare. This isn't your fault. It's mine, and I've been too cowardly to say anything. I… I can't believe I have to say this… I slept with someone. I slept with someone else. It's not your fault, I've been pulling away because I'm so disgusted with myself for betraying you like this. I'm sorry, I know you won't be able to believe me but I'm sorry. You need to know that. I hate myself for doing this to you." Dan bit his lip, and braced himself for Phil's reaction. He was ready to be shouted at, to be hated, to be screamed at. But Phil just sat there. He sat there, looking at the floor.

"Come on, Phil, say something." Dan fidgeted with his hands, but Phil just carried on staring at the floor. "Phil, be mad, I deserve it. Shout at me. Tell me you hate me. Throw something. DON'T JUST SIT THERE!"

Phil nodded and raised his gaze, but still didn't meet Dan's eyes.

"I heard you. You said you're sorry. I believe you." He sighed, and wiped away a tear. "I'm not enough for you. This confirms it. I'm not enough. I gave you everything but I'm not enough."

"No, Phil, I-" Phil shook his head and stood up. He slowly walked to the door, and turned back.

"It's ok. You're free. I won't hold you back anymore. It's over. You don't have to do this anymore." Phil turned and walked away, up the stairs.

Dan was left to break down in the lounge, muttering "I'm sorry" over and over, even though there was no one to hear it, and it couldn't change anything.


	6. Chapter 6

A home built for a family, and Dan drifted through the bare rooms, haunted by the silence. He had never realised how many things belonged to Phil until they disappeared into cardboard boxes and were driven away from him. The worst day had been when Phil finally came round, one last time, to say goodbye to Buffy. The symbolism was too much for Dan, who began pleading with Phil for the millionth time, knowing full well that he could never change his mind. They both parted in tears, and now every day Dan regretted that that would be his last memory of Phil. Tears, caused by him.

That afternoon, after Dan had cried himself to sleep on the sofa, he decided he had to get his feelings out. He had to express them somehow, or they'd consume him. He pulled his laptop over and began to type. The words came slowly at first, too tangled up in a mass of emotions to be articulated into coherent sentences. But soon, Dan found that his words had their own rhythm, and formed themselves into a poem. He titled it "To Phil", posted it on his tumblr and closed his laptop. He knew that Phil had unfollowed and blocked all of his accounts, but he knew that the fans would get the message to him. It didn't matter that their relationship had been a secret before. Half of them had already guessed, and it didn't matter for the other half because it wasn't a relationship any longer. It was over, so there was no reason to hide it anymore. The main thing was that Phil read the poem and understood that he was sorry, and that he hated himself for what he did.

Since the day he told him about Ryan, Phil cut himself off emotionally. He had said that they would try to work it out, but Dan knew that he had already given up on them. When Phil sent a friend around to collect up his stuff, Dan didn't even have the energy to fight it. He could only sit there and watch as everything that reminded him of Phil was taken away forever. Afterwards, he grabbed a cushion from the sofa and screamed into it, scaring away the dog. Yeah, that's right, he thought bitterly, I push away everyone I love.

Months later, Dan got a call from another youtuber named Troye. He was in the early stages of writing an album, and wanted to know if he could use Dan's poem as inspiration for a song. Dan agreed, he didn't care about it anymore anyway. Phil had never contacted him about it or even acknowledged it. He didn't mention Dan in his videos either. It was like Dan never existed for him, like the relationship never happened.

When the album came out, Troye tweeted a link to the video and dedicated it to Phil. Dan saw, but didn't even bother to acknowledge it or follow up with an explanation. It was too late, now the story was just another sad love song that thousands of teenage girls would listen to and think it was somehow about them.

And in another part of London, Phil saw the tweet. He watched the video, even though he knew the poem off by heart, and even though he had promised himself that he was done crying over Dan, a tear escaped. He closed the laptop and wiped the tear away as a pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around him and whispered that it was all going to be ok.


End file.
